Good Grief

As we get older, it is a fact of life that we will lose more people who are dear to us.  It is a part of how life works.  Those we've grown up emulating are getting older, those we've grown up with are aging.  Many of our elderly friends and family have already lost a large number of loved ones.  The problem with death is that it never comes at an opportune time.  And grief?  Grief doesn't come at an opportune time either.  It is a complicated and untimely beast.  So how can we help our friends and loved ones who are grieving?  How can we recognize grief when it strikes us or someone we love?

There are several common stages of grief.  These stages seem easy to understand and in  a logical order on paper, but remember that they are not easy to go through.  They also do not seem to come in a logical order in most people.  Recognizing them may help as you grieve, and they may also be beneficial as you help someone else navigate the grief process.

Denial is often the first stage of grief.  Some people describe it as unbelief that the loved one has passed on.  Others describe it as “surreal” or as if they're walking around in a daze or a fog.  It is really shock that they are experiencing.  It takes one's brain a bit of time to catch up with reality.  If your reality has included a living person  for a great number of years, it will be very difficult for your brain to understand that they are no longer alive.  This stage can be helpful if it comes first, as it might buy you some time, without emotion, to attend to funeral preparations or travel plans.

Another stage is called bargaining.  This is usually when you wonder what you could've done to prevent the death of a loved one.  Or you wish that it could have been you instead of them.  This is natural as we tend to self-evaluate if everything that should have been done was done for them.  Did we give our best effort to save them, did those who were with them give their best effort?

Anger might come next, especially if we perceive that more should have been done by ourselves or someone else.  Anger also is sometimes directed at the loved one for leaving us in this world with no recourse  but to accept that they are gone.  They may have left many things undone, in our estimation, and it seems unfair that we have to pick up the pieces of their death.

Depression is common after this because we realized that we can't remain  angry forever with them, with ourselves and with others.  Anger is also a very exhausting emotion .  When the anger is spent, a deep weariness can come in waves.  Extra sleep might be required.  An inability to just move on with life is common.  Getting over-tired can sometimes result in an inability to sleep at all or to eat properly. This is a stage to have a strong support system in place.

Finally, acceptance is the final stage.  There is no set period of time to determine when acceptance will occur.  It is different for each person.  It might make it easier if you knew of someone's imminent death because they had a terminal disease, but not always.  Some people hold on to such hope despite prognosis that it is still a great shock to them at the time of death.

If you are helping someone else deal with grief, be sure to listen to the words and stories that they are telling you.  Taking the time to listen and care about the memories and relationship that they had with that person will encourage them to talk and process the memories.  Encourage them to let emotions out without using phrases like, “Everything happens for a reason” or “They're in a better place”.  Those statements might be true, but they are entirely overused and might not seem genuine to the person that is grieving, especially if they are in the anger stage.  If you notice that the person you are supporting seems stuck  in a state of depression for an extended period of time, suggest that they might want to see a therapist just to get help processing what is happening to them.  Finally, show that you love them in whichever way they can best accept it.  If they want to sit in silence, it is perfectly acceptable to sit with them .

Grief is a strange and slippery thing.  Finding life on the other side of it is possible.  It just may not look the same as it did before.

Anxiety & Worry

  Much of the population of America struggles with anxiety and worry.  Don't believe me?  It is estimated that more than 40 million Americans have been diagnosed with anxiety and a large percentage of those people are on anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication in order to treat the symptoms. Anxiety is a force to be reckoned with, but often it wins the battle, especially as people begin to add more years of experience to their days.  When you have lived long enough, you begin to realize that bad things really do happen to good people, young people and even the most careful of people.  The things you've lived through personally might be enough to fill volumes of books. But if it is a force to be reckoned with, we need to be armed to fight against it, lest it overcome us.  Most people know that anxiety and worry are huge stressors on the body and can cause long term damage to our physical health and psyche.  What most people don't know is how to get the anxiety and worry to stop.  In some cases, there might be chemical imbalances that are causing the deep cycles of anxiety and worry. If this is the case for you, do not feel guilt about getting help.  In many cases, however, a change in lifestyle and a few simple helps can greatly reduce your feelings of anxiety, provided you're willing to make lifestyle changes.  Even if you are on medication, these ideas might be helpful to you and perhaps over time you could reduce the amount of medication that you need.  If you are up for a challenge, read on.

  If you are like most of us, food is a large part of your life, but not necessarily the healthiest part.  Our culture is saturated with quick, easy meals that are destroying our ability to fight against depression.  Foods high in starch and fat sit heavily in our guts with very few vitamins and minerals able to be absorbed.  “Simply” making some changes to diet can be a great help.  But simple things are not always easy to put into practice.  If you're not used to eating vegetables a few times a day, increase them.  Take out grains unless they're whole grains.  See how you feel.  Cut out sugar.  I wouldn't advise doing this all at once, but take each a step at a time and pay attention to how different you feel.  You'll find the things that make the biggest difference for you over time.

  Cut out caffeine.  Caffeine can increase your cortisol levels.  When those go up, your anxiety levels naturally follow.  You can't help but feel nervous and jittery when there is a stimulant coursing through your system.  If you are a heavy caffeine consumer, you'll need to wean yourself off gradually sodas not to get major headaches.  Replace your drink of choice with healthy alternatives that have some vitamin benefits, like smoothies, or herbal teas.  This one change can be the difference between an anxiety filled day and one that you can keep under control.

  Exercise.  Endorphins released during exercise can boost your mood and also keep the anxiety at bay because that energy is being spent on something useful.  Speaking of useful, instead of going to a gym to exercise, try exerting that energy in a way that is meaningful to you and your family so that you will get more than one benefit.  Garden or raise animals.  Remodel parts of your house.  Paint rooms that are in need of TLC.  Spending that nervous energy in a useful way will make you feel better, even if you end up exhausted.

  Set a timer.  It's going to sound strange, but start setting a timer if you find yourself worrying too much about one particular issue.  It's honorable to try to come up with solutions to problems in your life, but if you're not careful, they'll take over your thought life.  So, set a timer, perhaps even keep a record book of when your time to think deeply about a subject is scheduled for.  Jot down any ideas that can help you to solve the problem.  Then, let it go.  When it tries to re-enter, push it away and go and do something physically different.  Wash dishes, fold clothes, change the oil in your car, research grafting fruit trees, ANYTHING!  Doing something else or researching other subjects will break the cycle.  If you follow this pattern enough, your body will form new pathways in the brain and will begin changing the subjects you dwell on in shorter amounts of time.  It is the formation of a new habit, so be relentless with yourself, especially at first.  If it's 2:00 AM and your mind will not stop, get up and start a load of laundry, then read or do something else productive.  Many people find that they are eventually able to wake, decide that they'll think about that problem during a certain set time the next day and go back to sleep with enough practice.  It can be life-changing to be able to give yourself permission to sleep despite the fact that there are frayed ends in your life.  The truth is, there will always be frayed ends, unfinished business or less than satisfactory outcomes, but losing sleep doesn't improve them, or you.

  It is said that most of what we worry about is out of our control.  Many people worry about the past, which they cannot change.  That is a complete waste of energy.  If you are worried that you've hurt someone in the past, ask forgiveness (actionable step) and move on.  If there is nothing you can do about a past situation, worry will not change one thing.  If you're worried about some future thing, decide whether there is anything tangible you can do about it.  If there is, plot a course of action...write it down in your book.  If there is not, then no amount of worry will change it, so let it go. 

  Worry and anxiety are things that eat away at the very core of who we are.  If we allow them to carry on in our heads without capturing them and making them submit to our will, they will drag us down to our lowest point.   Our physical, emotional & mental health is dependent upon us making a change for the better within our own minds. 

Choosing Joy in Long Term Suffering

  Suffering is nothing new in our world.  Many people are spared from it for periods of time, but rarely is anyone spared from it for their entire lives.  Other people, it seems, have more than their fair share.  Our attitudes cannot change the circumstances that we're in with regards to suffering.  Trying to be happy, for instance, will not make your cancer go away.  It will, however make it easier for others to be around you and increase your ability to fight the cancer valiantly.  This is all easy to say and easy to advise when you are not in the midst of suffering.  But how do you genuinely chase joy in the midst of hardship, pain, sorrow and suffering?  Many elderly people have had much practice at choosing joy throughout their lives and watching and learning from them can be astonishing as they brace themselves for the diagnosis that no one would have wanted.  Some, however, seem to grow bitter toward the end.  The legacy they leave is less than stellar and sadly, sometimes, relief if felt by their loved ones when the pass on because their character changed so much for the worse when they were forced to endure pain and suffering.  So how do we do our best to be sure we can stand in times of suffering? 

  1. Ask for help before you are overtaken.  Most people wait and endure until they can no longer stand up under the struggle.  Whether it is financial hardship, the death of someone close, or severe health problems, it is never a good idea to wait to ask for help.  When the problem or hardship arises, begin speaking with those close to you.  You needn't go on and on about the issue, but be open about how you're feeling.  They will most likely offer prayers and help.  If not, be brave enough to ask.  Not everyone will be available to help, and that is not bad.  It is better for them to say no than for you to wonder if they might be available or why they aren't offering.  This gives you a more realistic support base.
  2. Practice gratitude.  Be sure to be tremendously thankful to anyone who is able to help.  In fact, being grateful in all circumstances is a good practice whether you're enduring hardship or not. Gratitude helps us to take our focus from the problem and shift it away to the good things happening in our lives.  If we have a debilitating disease and are still able to look around with gratitude that we have a roof over our heads with clean water and heat, we are also able to see other good things.  Focusing hard on how bad things are in our lives does not make the bad things go away, it just makes us feel worse about the situation.
  3. Outward thinking.  We must think about our circumstance, and I'm guessing you won't have a problem doing that, especially if you experience pain.  But thinking about it & trying to solve it can become such a mental spiral that we can get locked into it, unable to escape.  So set a period of time that you will think about and try to solve it.  When the timer goes off, think about something or someone else.  If you know of someone else going through a hardship, see if there is something that they need that you can provide, or if there is something you can do for them. If nothing else comes to mind, write them a quick note to encourage them that you're thinking of them and drop it in the mail. 
  4. Outward doing.  If you have any extra time, even if you're in the hospital bed, practice this thinking and doing for others.  You may be able to write notes, knit or crochet, whittle, send magazine clippings, make phone calls, paint, etc. so use what you know how to do FOR someone else. 
  5. Rest.  When you're having days that are just too much, give yourself permission to rest.  Be thankful that you have the option of rest.  If you're unable to rest because of pain, ask for something to help you sleep.  Your body doesn't just desire rest, it needs it.  If your suffering is such that it makes this difficult, you may need help with it.  Use a heating pad, try aromatics, try melatonin.  If you're able to sleep, go back to #2 and practice gratitude.  If you're not, go to #1 and ask for help from a doctor. 

  Bubbly giddiness is not a practical expectation for anyone experiencing great suffering.  Steadfast, stalwart joy is, however, achievable.  It doesn't even mean you have to smile.  What you are being asked to carry is not light or easy.  When people are lifting heavy things, they rarely smile, but it doesn't mean that we need to be bitter inside.  We can carry it until we're able to set it down again.  We can carry it without allowing it to crush us and make us hateful and spiteful.   So let's carry it with joy and let it be an encouragement to others who are carrying things far heavier than our own loads. 

Dealing With Darkness

  As winter approaches for everyone in the Northern Hemisphere, we are reminded once again of how good it feels to require less of ourselves.  The cool, fall air is invigorating as we prepare for the time of darkness.  Traditionally, winter means that the pace slows down, except at the holidays, of course!  We can hunker down and begin to focus on things at home that have been neglected while we've been out enjoying the sun and surf all summer.  Surprisingly, however, I've heard many people comment that they do not like winter.  For some, it is because of the cold and the difficulty in getting around in poor weather conditions.  If you are an elderly person, this is a very common problem.  But I've heard the resistance to winter in people's voices from people still young enough to go downhill skiing, so I know it can't all be attributed to that.  As I dig a little deeper into the thinking of my acquaintances, it appears that many do not have a joyful anticipation of winter for an entirely different reason than the cold, it's because of the darkness.  Now, granted, our family lives far North, and our winters do contain a good deal of darkness. Where we are, in midwinter, the sun sets a little after 4PM and rises after 8AM.  But we've also experienced the same discontent with the darkness in the far South on many occasions, because although the days are still longer, the sun is very often covered by clouds and even if it rarely snows, it rains buckets.  Our bodies get accustomed to a certain length of day and a certain input of daylight and when it begins to dwindle, so does our enthusiasm. 

  In many ways, this is healthy and good.  We cannot spend our lives always in high gear, or we will absolutely burn out.  But in other ways, this shortening of the days can come with real consequences that affect more than just our ability to do things, it affects our attitude and our physical health.  Sunlight has many benefits, but among the most important of its benefits is Vitamin D.  Vitamin D is responsible for keeping your bones healthy & also for improving your immune system so that you can fight off things like influenza when they are lurking about.  It can also be an important mood booster and has even been used with other things to aid in fighting depression.

When we do not get enough of this crucial vitamin, we can have symptoms ranging from to a down mood, to soft or fragile bones.  A deficiency in vitamin D can also contribute to weight gain.  But, because the sun is obscured by clouds or night, does not mean that we need to live with sadness, lethargy or depression.  There are many things that can help you to deal with the coming darkness.

1. Take a supplement.  Vitamin D supplements are widely available and can be used unless you have other drug interactions.  They can make the difference between an awful day full of gloom and a day that is bearable.  I won't say that you'll be full of energy and sign up for the next marathon that comes near you, but you might be able to talk yourself into doing the chores a little easier!

2. Alter your diet for a few months to include some foods that support your new needs.  In Scandinavian countries that experience long periods of darkness, they make sure to incorporate fish & fish oil in order to meet their needs.  It's because these foods have vitamins A and D!  Also make sure that you load yourself with fresh vegetables of different colors so that your nutritional needs will be satisfied.

3. Go outside as often as possible.  I know that this is likely the thing that you DON'T want to do, but it makes a huge difference in your ability to cope.  Even if it is cloudy, natural light will stimulate your body in a way that indoor lights cannot do.  You don't even need to do much, even having a chair outside to sit is better than nothing. If you are elderly and feeling the hard press of darkness, make this a regular practice. Fresh air and natural light do wonders.  If you know someone who is elderly, help them get the appropriate gear and find a nice spot to go and sit with them to chat outside for a while. Since many people in America do not appreciate going outside in all kinds of weather, it also has the added benefit of taking you away from crowded indoor spaces where germs are more easily spread.

4. Exercise.  If you can do this outdoors it will make it even better, but even exercise indoors will boost endorphins in your body and give you a shot of “feel good” hormones for a bit. 

5. Embrace the things you CAN do.  You can invite people over for a cup of cocoa.  You can sit in the longer evenings and whittle or knit.  Make things you'll look forward to using in the winters, like an afghan or quilt or a wooden spoon for your homemade chili!  You can read without guilt and without thinking of all the things you should really be doing outside.  You can light candles.  You can bake or can to heat the house up a bit.  You can make bonfires, even in the snow, to enjoy the darkness outside at night.  If a person only dwells on the things they cannot do, there are bound to be negative consequences &  I think that is largely what has happened in our culture as winter approaches each year.  People begin to think, “I cannot go out easily.”  “I cannot go to the lake anymore...I cannot sit on the patio...”  But the reality is you can do most of the things you were able to in the summer, just in a different way.  You may not be able to swim in the lake, but you can walk around it, then go for a swim at an indoor facility.  You may not be able to sit on your patio in shorts, buy you could still clear an area to sit in your warm clothes and maybe even light up the grill.  You may not be able to meet friends to eat at an outdoor restaurant, but you could invite them over for hot apple cider, fresh bread and cheese.

Be creative!

Much of what holds us back in winter is also meant to slow us down.  So take the time to enjoy the slowness.  Heaven knows we don't get that opportunity often in our high paced world.  Make winter your new favorite season as you approach it with gratitude. 

The Effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences On the Aging Population

 

When people age, we sometimes see things that we are not expecting.  One of the things that we don't expect to see is just how much their childhood experiences affect who they are as a senior adult.  Despite people saying things like, “oh, well, children are resilient” or “they'll bounce back”, mounting evidence suggests that it is simply not true.  Children may appear to 'bounce back', but psychological studies are now discovering that childhood experiences play a large role in the health of aging adults.

 

First, what are some of the things that are considered “Adverse Childhood Experiences” according to psychologists?  The list below is not complete.  The more of these experiences that a child has, the more prevalent mental and physical health risks become, even as they age. If many of these are present in a child's life, their risk levels are compounded for a number of illnesses. Some of the most common adverse childhood experiences are:

 

-low socioeconomic status

-abuse/maltreatment

-neglect

-substance use within household

-mental illness within household

-parental separation/divorce

-incarceration of parent

The problems created by these experiences are two-fold.  There is the experience itself that the person must deal with.  They have to find a way out of the situation, if it's possible to do so, but then throughout the rest of their lives, even into elderly adulthood, they must deal with the memories, emotions, behaviors and physical damage that those incidents have forced them to live with.  All of that has a cumulative effect on their mental, emotional & even physical health.  Studies from New Zealand indicate that the government there is looking into the long-term health effects of these experiences in hopes of helping to lower the economic consequences on their health care system. (1)  In America it is being studied as they follow people who are leaving the foster care system & watch them age in order to find out how these experiences help determine the outcomes of their lives. (2)

Some of the most common physical risks that have been found in the studies of aging adults with ACE's include: depression, inflammation (which can affect a large number systems in the body, including cardio-vascular system), obesity, hormonal imbalances, insulin resistance, neurodegeneration, etc.  In general, according to the studies done so far, the larger number of ACE's that a person has, the more physical risks the person will have & those risks are amplified by the aging process rather than diminished.

The important thing for those who work with aging adults to know is that there are genuine, long-term health effects because of these types of experiences, no matter the length of time that has lapsed since their occurrence. Mental health intervention may be very necessary in order to help overcome some of the adverse risks.   At the least, a deep sense of caring & understanding will be necessary to work with people who have experienced this kind of trauma in early life, even if they are currently in their waning years. Finding the help that they need can be critical for their health.  The psychological effect of these experiences may be contributing to the physiological problems that they are fighting.  Dealing with the psychological side of the problem may also help to improve they physical condition.  Err on the side of compassion, though it can be difficult to see the link between their past & present. We never know the paths that others have been forced to walk.

Mental Health in the Elderly

Over the past weeks, suicide has come to the forefront of American news as several celebrities have taken their own lives.  In almost all of the cases, people were unaware that the person was hurting or so close to the edge.  It was said that they were some of the “happiest” or that they “smiled all the time”.

In America there are approximately 17 elderly deaths from suicide each day.  The CDC says that “adults over age 65 made up 16% of  all suicide deaths in 2004”. (1) 

Mental health has traditionally been a taboo subject in our culture.  Among the elderly, it's been a stronger taboo than in any other group of people.  So, in light of recent happenings we're going delve into this topic a bit in hopes that you'll come away better able to spot severe depression & help someone get help.  In this circumstance, the saying, “If you see something, say something,” applies.  If you believe that someone is struggling to cope & needs professional help, do not be afraid to speak up!
 

 

So what is depression & how can we spot it in order to help our aging friends & family to be able to get help?

Depression is most often characterized by these qualities.  This is not a comprehensive list, & furthermore, all of them may not be present at all times.  If you suspect that something is wrong, do your best to find help for them.

 

 

-no longer finding favorite passtimes enjoyable

-feelings of loneliness, sadness or emptiness

-loss of appetite

-headaches

-stomach aches

-feeling hopeless

-crankiness, nervousness, severe anxiety

-insomnia or sleeping too much

-overeating

-concentration & memory problems

-digestive problems

-thoughts of suicide

 

Of course this is not comprehensive, but it should get you started in the right direction if you suspect that there is a problem.  Pay attention to the signs, then, if you suspect that the person could benefit from professional help, start seeking out a person that might be able to help.

The causes for depression are wide & varied, but are usually triggered by extreme stress from a changing life event or the death of a loved one.  Those who have family members that have been depressed may have a higher genetic risk for depression.  Also, a couple of recent studies suggest that abuse during childhood may increase the risks of depression & suicidal tendancies.  Chemical imbalances in the body can also contribute.  There are often a number of contributing factors, and no easy answers, but if you can begin the process of getting help before  it goes on for too long, chances are, you could save their life!

 

If anyone you know has need of immediate assistance, the suicide prevention hotline number is listed below:

Call 1-800-273-8255

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(1) https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/elderly-and-aging

Grief and Loss

Aging sometimes has unexpected side-effects.  There are some things that we just don’t think about ahead of time.  There are some things that we can’t see coming or prepare for.  Loss of loved ones & friends is one of those things.  Sure, when we’re young, we notice that it seems as though quite a few people pass on as they grow older, but do we ever think about what that means for their older friends?  It may not be uncommon for them to lose 5 or 6 people they love within a year.  How do any of us cope with the enormity of these types of loss & grief in a healthy way?

 

 

  1. Talk!  I know that for some generations it was looked upon as weakness to express emotions, but it is terribly important to let those emotions out when you’re hit with yet another loss in your life.  Even if it is not the death of a loved one or friend, even if it is simply the loss of an ability or grief over no longer being able to visit them because they’ve moved in with a child across the country.  Let your anger or frustration out, let your sadness out in words or tears.  It is far healthier for you to release it in that way that in pent up frustration and anxiety that will surface at the most inopportune of times!
  2. Reckognize the stage of grief that you may be in. Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing & acceptance.  There are many articles on the internet that can give you more details, but sometimes it’s helpful to know where you’re at and that it is natural.  That, in itself, can be a comfort when you can’t seem to figure out why you’re responding in ways that are not usual for your personality.
  3. Take time to live! Perhaps, even though it may not feel like it, it might be time to press into friendships & family.  Instead of running scared about what else may happen, run toward friends and family.  Try to have meaningful conversations.  Make meaningful memories.  Write down memories for those little ones in your life that will carry the memories far beyond your allotted years on this earth.  It may be frightening to carry on, but it’s necessary.  There is a reason that you are still here.  Use the days that you have left to contribute & to enjoy.  Perhaps you’ll find that you have later years that are even more fun & meaningful than all those that have gone before!