Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness is an evasive thing.  People have been studying it for years, especially in elderly adults who seem prone to sadness and isolation.  But, those studies have contradictory data.  Some of them include statistics for people who “feel isolated” while others only study data from people who have been so lonely and depressed that they’ve opted for medical help.  Because of all of this conflicting data, we don’t really know as much about the causes of loneliness as we’d like.  We do, however, know more than we used to.  There are certain consistencies in the data that help us narrow down some factors of loneliness.

Moving to a new place and living there for less than a year appears to be a catalyst for loneliness, especially in older people.  This is most likely due to changing relationships.  If a senior citizen moves, they’ll lose relationships that they may not have even recognized as important to them.  They’ll no longer chat with the postal worker or the same grocery store attendants that they used to.  They may not be able to invite the neighborhood boy that mows their lawn for a lemonade.  Over time, they’ll gain other social connections that are similar, but immediately after a move, those changes can add up to an unoccupied space that others used to fill for them.  It will take some intentionality after a move to form new relationships but establishing them is important for all involved.

Being involved in a church or another place where you can volunteer also seems to have larger impacts on the elderly.  Perhaps because the connections formed there can give you some commonality of purpose and a desire to help others, involvement in these types of things, keeps people from being lonely.  Knowing that you are contributing to society and that your input is needed and appreciated can do a great deal to stave off loneliness and depression.  Those who choose not to be involved in these have higher rates of loneliness.  Find out small ways to get involved in an activity that interests you, but this also helps others.  It will be beneficial for the organization and for you!

Hobbies are another option for pushing off loneliness.  The data is not conclusive on why hobbies can help, but it seems reasonable enough to say that if you have a hobby that you’re passionate about, you’re probably a bit more interesting to talk to.  If you find someone that is interested in the same thing, you can connect with them on a deeper level of communication than just the weather.  Even if the other person is not interested in exactly the same thing, they’ll understand your passion and your interaction will be livelier.  You may also learn about what they are passionate about!

Loneliness can have huge and lasting impacts on our health.  It is said to be just as damaging as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!  It can lower your immune system’s ability to fight.  It can also cause you to be pushed to the outside of social networks with others who are lonely.  It is a strange conundrum that if you are feeling lonely, people tend to push you further away.  This may be because your loneliness makes them feel more lonely, in turn.  But all of these things are based upon people’s feelings & perceptions of their situations.  If you can change those feelings and perceptions, you can change being lonely.

A recent study in the UK watched people on public transport.  Those who initiated conversations with strangers were reported as less lonely.  Those who only talked if someone else initiated conversation were more lonely and those who refused to interact with strangers were the most lonely.  They then studied the same people and asked those who were not generally comfortable with initiating conversation to begin doing that.  It is a simple and seemingly inconsequential change for someone to make, but it had huge impacts on their feelings afterward.  They felt generally more positive and less lonely!

You may be feeling lonely and isolated, but that does not mean you have to become an extreme extrovert to overcome those feelings.  Sometimes it is the small, daily acts that can have the largest impact over the course of months of our lives!  Initiate conversation.  Get a hobby.  Start volunteering.  Recognize the loneliness dissipate.

 

 

Reaching Out, Combatting Loneliness

Loneliness is an evasive thing.  People have been studying it for years, especially in elderly adults who seem prone to sadness and isolation.  But, those studies have contradictory data.  Some of them include statistics for people who “feel isolated” while others only study data from people who have been so lonely and depressed that they’ve opted for medical help.  Because of all of this conflicting data, we don’t really know as much about the causes of loneliness as we’d like.  We do, however, know more than we used to.  There are certain consistencies in the data that help us narrow down some factors of loneliness.

Moving to a new place and living there for less than a year appears to be a catalyst for loneliness, especially in older people.  This is most likely due to changing relationships.  If a senior citizen moves, they’ll lose relationships that they may not have even recognized as important to them.  They’ll no longer chat with the postal worker or the same grocery store attendants that they used to.  They may not be able to invite the neighborhood boy that mows their lawn for a lemonade.  Over time, they’ll gain other social connections that are similar, but immediately after a move, those changes can add up to an unoccupied space that others used to fill for them.  It will take some intentionality after a move to form new relationships but establishing them is important for all involved.

Being uninvolved in a church or another place where you can volunteer also seems to have larger impacts on the elderly.  Perhaps because the connections formed there can give you some commonality of purpose and a desire to help others, involvement in these types of things, keeps people from being lonely.  Knowing that you are contributing to society and that your input is needed and appreciated can do a great deal to stave off loneliness and depression.  Those who choose not to be involved in these have higher rates of loneliness.  Find out small ways to get involved in an activity that interests you, but also helps others.  It will be beneficial for the organization and for you!

Hobbies are another option for pushing off loneliness.  The data is not conclusive on why hobbies can help, but it seems reasonable enough to say that if you have a hobby that you’re passionate about, you’re probably a bit more interesting to talk to.  If you find someone that is interested in the same thing, you can connect with them on a deeper level of communication than just the weather.  Even if the other person is not interested in exactly the same thing, they’ll understand your passion and your interaction will be livelier.  You may also learn about what they are passionate about!

Loneliness can have huge and lasting impacts on our health.  It is said to be just as damaging as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!  It can lower your immune system’s ability to fight.  It can also cause you to be pushed to the outside of social networks with others who are lonely.  It is a strange conundrum that if you are feeling lonely, people tend to push you further away.  This may be because your loneliness makes them feel more lonely, in turn.  But all of these things are based upon people’s feelings & perceptions of their situations.  If you can change those feelings and perceptions, you can change being lonely.

A recent study in the UK watched people on public transport.  Those who initiated conversations with strangers were reported as less lonely.  Those who only talked if someone else initiated conversation were more lonely and those who refused to interact with strangers were the most lonely.  They then studied the same people and asked those who were not generally comfortable with initiating conversation to begin doing that.  It is a simple and seemingly inconsequential change for someone to make, but it had huge impacts on their feelings afterward.  They felt generally more positive and less lonely!

You may be feeling lonely and isolated, but that does not mean you have to become and extreme extrovert to overcome those feelings.  Sometimes it is the small, daily acts that can have the largest impact over the course of months of our lives!  Initiate conversation.  Get a hobby.  Start volunteering.  Recognize the loneliness dissipate.

 

 

Extreme Frugality in the Elderly

Have you ever experienced what you would consider extreme frugality in an elderly parent or grandparent?  There are varying levels of frugality for each person, but what about things like saving aluminum foil, plastic containers, glass jars or re-using tea bags?  It can be somewhat frustrating for those who have not walked the same roads on their journey to watch this process, especially if the saving of things progresses or worsens or becomes problematic because of the sheer quantity of items that are salvaged.  But how did it get to this point?  Why is there a compulsion to save as much as possible, or not spend, if possible?

For many elderly people this has come through years of experiences that we can only hear about through stories.  Many have lived through the Great Depression, WWII, several recessions, not to mention the ups & downs of life that can leave people reeling & thankful that they made it through them.  Lack of jobs & food during the depression, rationing of many items during the War, etc. can leave a lifelong impact on the psyche of anyone that has lived through them. If there has been great instability during their lifetime, it is more common for an older person to desire to hold on to things, “just in case”.

 

And what if you are the person that is slated with the task of helping them keep house, or to clean out their place to prepare for a move?  There are a great many relationships that have been strained or broken over this issue.  So the first thing to remember is to have grace for the person you are helping.  They have been through more in their lives than we can imagine.  Remember to treat them with respect & dignity in the process.

Talk with them about their past.  Ask about the things that they've been through.  Things that seem somewhat irrational to you might be very rational once you've heard their story.  Some of them had large families & became accustomed to saving things in bulk because they would get used.  They may feel unable to throw things out that have a use.  Discuss with them ways that you could donate items so that others may have use of them.  If they keep clothes that need to be mended, & are in good condition otherwise, consider hiring someone that could mend them, or ask at a local thrift store that has a mender whether they'd take them.  If they have plastic containers, ask in the art department of your local school whether they might have use of them for mixing paints or other art mediums. Get creative in coming up with ways that the items might have real value to others.  Yes, this process can be exhausting, and yes, it would be easier just to throw everything out, but it may be terribly offensive to some who have been through so much.  What better way to honor them than to take the time to sift down the things of life with them?

If they are accustomed to having many things surrounding them, it may feel a bit frightening to them to have less around for rainy days.  Assure them that you will be there for rainy days, because everyone needs assurance of these things.  Above all, learn from them & offer them the optimism of brighter days to come! 

Keeping In Touch

Staying in touch with family and friends that you care about has long been an issue that has  needed to be addressed.  From very early times, people have sent messages for other people along with a courier of some sort, even if it was another friend who was travelling nearby.  In Victorian times letter-writing became an artform.  People spent an extensive amount of time writing with beautiful manuscript.  There was not a question of whether one should keep in touch, but rather, how often.  These days our predicament is a little more complex.  It involves not only how often to contact someone, but also HOW.  What is the best way to reach that individual in a way that will be welcome & not disruptive.

  1. This form of communication was the most popular for many of the previous decades for its ease & instant access.  While the phone is easy to use, it also has its shortcomings.  One of these is that people may answer even though they do not really have time to talk at that moment.  Some people now feel it an annoyance rather than a welcome interruption if they do not know you will be calling.
  2. Letter writing. This form of communication has an obvious downfall, the length of time to receive the letters.  But, on the other hand, if you do not speak often with a person, you can update them on the major events of life in a relatively short missive.  It also has the added benefit of a personal touch.  If something is handwritten, we tend to pay closer attention to it.
  3. Long thought of as a replacement for the handwritten letter, this form has the benefit of being free (if you have an internet connection).  Email has more recently fallen out of fashion with the younger generation, however, & they rarely use this to communicate.
  4. Some people communicate almost exclusively by text, especially if they have a very full schedule.  The downfall to this is obvious in its shortness, but many people think of it as a benefit so that they do not have to engage in small talk & messages are straight to the point.   Texts also do not have to be dealt with immediately, like phone calls.
  5. Social Media. Social media sites like Facebook make it easy to communicate with family & friends, but often have the reputation of being “time wasters”.  It is true that when you log in, you end up seeing notes & posts from so many people, you can end up forgetting the person you were intending to contact.  It is also home to advertising of all sorts.
  6. Visiting in person. This is, by far, the most personal form of keeping in touch.  It is, however, not as common for people to “drop in” as it once was.  These days you are better off calling and setting up a visit so that the other party welcomes your presence & is not offended.

So, with all of these ways to keep in touch, how do you decide how to contact a person so that you can maintain a good relationship with them?  Probably the best way to decide is just to talk about it with the person.  Different people prefer different things because of their time & schedule constraints.  Do not be put off if they don’t like to talk for long hours on the phone, or if they do not respond to an email or letter.  Try asking the best way to reach them, then be aware of their time constraints.  They will sense your consideration & be appreciative that you are wanting to stay in touch.

Whatever you do, do not give up.  People need to connect with others who care.  They need to connect with others of varying generations & backgrounds.  As an aging individual, this is something very important that you can contribute to our society, the ability to remain outward focused & intentionally keep in touch with those whom you care about.  We need one another more than we know!

Begin Your Family Genealogy

Genealogical research can be one of the biggest, most time consuming & deeply rewarding things anyone will ever do.  Even so, have you noticed how many of us do not pursue this worthy endeavor?  Many times, at funerals, I have heard these words, “someone should have written down all he/she knew about the family, no one else knows the things she knew,” and yet somehow we allow time to pass without taking action on thoughts about genealogy.  Why?  Most of the time it is simply because we do not know where to begin.  So, how does one get started on the path to recording your family's history?

  1. Start with what you know. It doesn't have to be a large amount of information. Begin with the names you know, and dates if you have them.  Include your own immediate family & sketch in anyone in the extended family that you know a little about at this time.  It does not have to be complex.
  2. Write it down! Even if you don't have a fancy chart & you only use a steno notebook, begin the process of writing everything down that you know.  You'll be glad that you have a place to jot down notes as you speak with other family members.
  3. Call to chat. Call family members that might have information.  Keep your notebook handy.  It is very likely that you'll hear stories that you've never heard before & you'll want to write furiously or record your conversation for another time to be written down.  You can find out much more than names and dates through these conversations & you might even find some key family medical history that will aid those who are still alive.
  4. Go online. Once you feel you've exhausted all of the avenues you can think of for finding information from those you know, begin the search online.  There are many helpful websites that can get you going in the right direction.  Sometimes there are already groups started on social medias that involve members of your extended family.  They might have information that you are struggling to piece together.
  5. Consider traveling to places where your ancestors lived, especially if they have genealogical centers nearby that might house information on your family. This may require an extended amount of time, so plan accordingly.
  6. Don't give up! You never know when you'll discover a key piece of information! Do not get discouraged because it is slow going.
  7. Pass it on. After you've done all that you can do researching information, gathering photographs and making connections, be sure to pass the lot on to someone from a younger generation who might be interested in it so that it will not be so difficult to gather in the future.  Some families have entire books written and printed with all the information so that it will not be lost.  However you decide to do it, make sure that the information is not lost easily.

Enjoy knowing that you are contributing to the knowledge that many generations that follow will need in order to know themselves better.  Knowing their family and where they come from is an important thing for most people to have good roots that will give them a sense of stability and belonging in this high paced & ever changing world.

Combating Loneliness In The Golden Years

Loneliness is a very real problem for people of all ages, but it seems to prey greatly on those of advancing years.  It can cause all kinds of issues, from undue stress, to depression & feelings of worthlessness.  While all of us naturally will have times in our lives that are more lonely than others, we need not just go with the flow if the time period is becoming extended.  There are things we can do to fight it off & lighten the heaviness created by it.

First, evaluate the changes that have occurred in your life to make you feel this way.  Has there been a death of a loved one?  Have several friends moved to other places like nursing homes or #assisted living facilities?  Are there family and friends that are struggling with their health & are no longer able to go out and about like they used to?  Are you struggling with your health?  It's important to think through all of the many changes so that you understand why you are justifiably struggling during this time.  Every major change in life brings about stress, & big changes such as these will take time to heal & require thought to develop a plan for how life will continue best after having fought through them.

Second, find your strengths.  Are you naturally a gathering person?  What I mean by this is do you like to gather people together for functions or even just to have them come to your kitchen for a cup of coffee and conversation?  If you are, start small, but make a couple of calls to people you feel may be likely to accept your invitation.

Third, consider starting new traditions. I know of someone who gathers her aunt & cousin together on the same date every year to celebrate their birthdays which all fall in the same month. They look forward to the conversation & time with people that they otherwise do not see on a regular basis, even though they live within 1 hour of each other.  If you have cousins, nephews & nieces, friends, children or grandchildren that you don't see often, consider organizing an occasion to visit together. It does not have to be a large gathering, though it could be, if you desire to put in a lot of effort.

Consider getting a pet if your living situation allows for it.  Something about a dog or cat, or even a bird, makes humans feel less alone.  It's nice to have someone to talk to as we bustle about our day.  Someone that shows affection to us on the days when we see nary a soul.  Someone to care for & that cares that we've gotten up to greet the day with them.

Observe nature.  Watching the birds that come to your feeders & having a book on hand can help to combat loneliness.  Knowing that there is a world of quiet solitude that is also full of life can help us as we enter this stage of life.  Taking walks & identifying the trees we see along the paths, or the flowers & plants will make you feel as though your are coming to meet new friends & watch how they progress throughout the year.  Even indoor plants can have this affect as we wait for the blossoming times & take cuttings to form new plants to offer to family and friends.  Field guides are incredibly helpful in all these areas to become truly familiar with the things that you find.  You may be surprised at what you locate that you've never noticed before.

Join clubs, guilds or community organizations.  There are as many clubs, guilds and organizations out there as there are hobbies & interests.  If you cannot find them in person, you may be able to find them online & be able to chat with people with similar interests in forums.  If you are fortunate to find a quilting guild, for instance, near you, make it a point to attend meetings & offer any help that you're able to give.  Several communities have senior centers to get involved in.  Other communities have home economics groups that meet.  Nearly every community has community education courses that one could take if they were interested in any of the courses offered.  These are several ways in which to reach out to the broader community and meet people with whom you do not otherwise interact.  Maybe you'll make a steadfast friend, or at the very least, you'll pass the time in a productive manner & learn new skills.  Either way, the time was not wasted!

Consider music.  Whether it's playing an instrument, singing or simply listening to & learning music, this can be a very worthwhile aid in combating loneliness.  Music has the ability to change emotion.  It can lighten our darker moods or dampen our light moods.  If you have a talent with an instrument, consider passing that on to a student or two.  I knew an older woman of 92 who was still giving lessons to a couple of children a week, even though she had early stages of #dementia.  She may not have had the lessons laid out consecutively each week, but the students were still learning & growing, not just from the piano that she taught, but also greater lessons about what it means to care for someone going through the frightening changes of old age.  If you do not know how to play an instrument, simply play music.  It does not matter the genre.  Try to listen to a number of works by a certain composer.  See if you can identify their songs by only hearing them, even if you do not see who wrote it.  Try listening to music from different generations & get a feel for the music that stirred them.  Then bring it up in conversation when you meet someone from that generation.  They may be very surprised that you know the groups that were popular, and it may be an opening into more meaningful conversations.

Lastly, do not feel alone in your loneliness.  This may sound ridiculous, but sometimes simply knowing that this is a common thing for all of us to face helps a great deal.  We're all learning and growing through this process, just as we have through all the other challenges we've faced in life.  Let's face it with strength and a little ingenuity.  We'll get through it just fine!